Month: March 2008

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Shymmetry Results Part 2

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After a few weeks of procrastination, I decided that it’s about time to reveal yet another winner of our Shymmetry Photo Contest…

Thank you to Pia for submitting her photo!


Pia uses an unexpected line of shymmetry to create this stunning portrait and comes in first place for “Most Unique Use of Shymmetry”.

Pia has won a pat on the back from co-worker, James, and a possible lunch date with previously mentioned fellow employer. Go Pia! And good luck to James on explaining a floating (but very shymmetrical) head accompany you to the lunch room.

For those of you who have not yet submitted photos, it’s not too late! Send your most Shymmetrical photos to [email protected]. It’s not too late to win!

Stay tuned for more Shymmetry Photo Contest Winners!

For previous winners click here. For an article relating to Shymmetry click here.

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Mustache March, Week 1

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It’s happening.

Holy Hairy Lip, Batman!My mustache has now gotten long enough that when I purse my lips and look down, I can see the hairs. It’s really messing with my mind because I keep thinking that after I ate lunch I forgot to wipe the remaining squirrel hairs off my mouth. (Just kidding, I don’t actually eat squirrel, though from the look of me now I could see how you might think anything is possible.)

We’re now into Week 1 of Mustache March, and it’s now in glorious full effect.

(If you don’t remember what I’m talking about, refresh your memory.)

Let’s keep those pictures and updates about your ‘staches rolling in. Remember, the best one will get it’s on spot on the homepage for the month of April. And it will also leave a lasting impression on the minds and hearts of America. So get growing!

After all, you don’t hate America, do you?

Crunched! A Tragedy of Slimy Proportions

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Note: this story is not for the faint of heart or the weak of stomach.

It had stopped raining shortly before I left work and headed home. I was walking my usual route, and as per usual, when I saw dried leaves or twigs or anything that looked particularly crispy and crunchy on the ground, I landed my foot directly on them and consequently enjoyed a most satisfying euphony of crunch. I don’t know exactly what makes this sound so satisfying to me, but it does, and it does so enough that I’ll even go out of my way if I see an object that looks particularly crunchy.

There was a special project going on at work, so I was working late into the night. I got off work that Wednesday around 9:30pm. I remember it was 9:30 because it’s a 30 minute walk home and I arrive just in time for my roommate to start watching some trashy top model/house flipping/top chef show on Bravo. In hindsight, I would have been much better off staying at work for another hour, not only because I hate all shows on Bravo (except West Wing reruns, which for some reason show on Bravo), but because of what I’m pained to describe next.

About five paces from the front gate of my apartment complex, I saw a perfectly crispy looking leaf, and it having been a somewhat stressful day at work, this seemed to be karma’s way of sweetening my day just a little bit. I actually quickened my stride ever so slightly in joyful anticipation of the sweet music that I would soon hear. When I arrived, I stopped, lifted my right foot, and planted it firmly on top of that dried leaf, and the sound gave me immense pleasure. It was only after my right foot slipped almost out from under me that I realized the tragedy that just happened.

In my haste and my ravenous anticipation, coupled with the darkness of night and the lack of adequate lighting, what I mistook for a dried leaf was actually poor Mr. Snail. And now, for an ever so slight pick-me-up, I had ended Mr. Snail’s life in one aurally satisfying crunch.

I paused for a moment, contemplating the life that had been lost. I bowed my head, even, though that was more because I was looking at the ground than I was paying respects. Finally, I told myself there was nothing that could be done, Mr Snail looked like maybe perhaps he had lived a good, long, full life and was ready to go. He certainly moved a little slower than the sprightly young snails. If he had moved a little faster, I may not have mistook him for a leaf.

Rest in peace, Mr. Snail. We hardly knew ye. But I thank the snail gods every day for the joy your death brought me.

Selfish Hippie 3: The Return of the Selfish Hippie

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Your favorite hippie is at it again! If you missed previous Selfish Hippie tips, go back. Here’s a few more tips to save money that will also save the world.

Sponge Migration

First of all, don’t use a dishwasher unless you really have to. It’s much easier (and uses less water because it doesn’t take as much scrubbing) to wash a dish immediately after using it. To wash dishes, though, you need a sponge. Use it for a little while (and make sure to follow these tips to keep it from smelling bad), then once it has passed its useful life, deport it out of Kitchen Country into Bathroom-ville to use on the tub. Let a few weeks go by, and once you have another sponge being deported from the kitchen, make the tub sponge migrate to Toilet Town. Worried about the next migration? Don’t; after the toilet, that sponge migrates to Garbage-land.

Itching for Scratch Paper?

Receipts left in the car, essays printed and proofread and found typo-ridden, once-a-day calendar pages, and anything and everything with a blank side can be used for scratch paper. I most often use them for grocery lists, then toss the used list in the recycle bin and keep the receipt to use for the next shopping trip. Also, once-a-day calendar pages work exceptionally well as one-time-use coasters, especially since they are usually good conversation pieces (everyone will have something to say about your “365 Days of Dachsunds” calendar).

Live Where You Work, or Near Where You Work
If you can get away with crashing on the break room couch at night, waking up early enough to make coffee for everyone in the morning, and figuring out a way to shower, then I say go for it. Most of us can’t. That’s why the second best thing to do is live near your work. If you can find a place within two miles, that’s ideal. Two miles is an easy walk that saves gas while letting you get some exercise, and you’ll also get to know the area around your residence much better. Plus, there’s probably a grocery store on one of the routes home, so stop by there once a day and pick up the groceries you need and that saves another car trip, saving more gas, saving more money and saving your flabby ass.

Don’t Just Work at Work
Speaking of work and groceries, don’t go out to eat for lunch unless it’s a special occasion. Spend a couple minutes brown-bagging those leftover raviolis from last night, toss in an apple, a yogurt and some baby carrots, and you’ve got yourself a nice little meal. The best part is, you can do that basically every day for a week and spend less than going out to lunch once (well, maybe… if you don’t live in Los Angeles like me, your dining out lunches might be slightly less expensive). Added bonus: if you eat at your desk and surf the web while you do, keep some actual “work” minimized so you can pull it up at any moment. Your boss will think you’re a real go-getter because of your working lunch, while all those other shmoes will look like slackers.

How to Thai a tie

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Most mature adult males, myself included, know how to tie a tie. However, I’d be willing to bet most people don’t know how to Thai a tie.

The Thai culture includes many diverse factors, but some standouts are the belief in Buddhism, an affinity for kite flying, and an enjoyment of Muay Thai, or Thai boxing. Pictures, representations or symbols of any of these, when stitched onto a silk tie, would help make a classy Thai tie—and that’s my kind of Thai tie. For the financially-impaired, any solid colored tie can be picked up from an outlet or thrift store, and can be modified using puff paint, Sharpie, or even washable markers, should you ever want to un-Thai your tie.

Now you can finally tell your parents you know how to Thai a tie. But what if they ask you to tie a Thai?

While we at MisusingBigWords don’t think you should ever tie someone up on the basis of nationality, we do understand that there are times when any person, regardless of race, gender, age, class, etc needs a good tying up. Whether you’re trying to prevent their escape or perhaps your agenda is a bit naughtier, here are the best ways to tie a Thai.

I personally am a fan of the Double Fishermen’s Bend, mostly because the name sounds slightly kinky (though also slightly gay, which is unfortunate for me but perhaps fortunate for gays). The Trucker’s Hitch just looks much too large with far too many loops to be usable, but if you’re into both decorative and useful, go for it. Another winner is the Figure Eight, or Flemish, Bend. Small and sturdy, but curvaceous, it adds some fun to Thai tying.

So you’re all set next time you need to tie a Thai. However there’s one more way to tie a Thai, and it doesn’t involve rope.

First, challenge a Thai person to a race or a game of some sort. Next, agree that there will be no extra innings, overtime, or sudden death of any kind. Finally, play well enough not to lose, but not good enough to win. In the end, you should have tied the Thai!

In closing, we at MisusingBigWords like to think outside the box, so we’ve provided you this creative education. We do not endorse harming yourself or others during any Thai-ing or tying of ties/Thais.

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Mustache March, the beginning

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Just call me “Patchy the Pirate.” (see picture below)

Well, don’t, actually. That was the name I went by for Halloween one year, when I tried to grow my beard out and after a month, I still had to smear mascara into the hairs because they were long but sparse.

The reason for this confession is so that you can better understand the sacrifice of dignity I’m making in preparation for this month: Mustache March.

Having heard of Octobeard before, I was somewhat familiar with the idea of facial hair-themed months, but I was unaware that it was such a phenomenon. And according to several people who posted on my company forum, Mustache March is just the beginning. Aside from the aforementioned Octobeard, there’s Neckbeard November, Fu Man-June, and at least eight other options, all of which need only either rhyme, alliterate or fit together into one word to be considered valid.

So, I’ve begun the growth period, and I invite all who read this to join me. If I’m willing to undergo countless jibes, jeers, and laughs in the face to stand up for the principle of Mustache March, then you should too. Whether it be for a greater moral good, or if it’s just for fun, draw comfort from my strength. And just know, whenever you are feeling down, that somewhere out there is a man with a mustache that looks not like a mustache, but just a dirty face.

I’ll be posting photos of myself throughout the growth process and giving weekly updates, and I encourage you to give updates as well via the comments sections. If you want to go the extra mile and take a photo of your ‘stache-y goodness, send it to mark@misusingbigwords and I’ll post it on the site. The best mustache we get this month we’ll place prominently on the homepage for the entire month of April.

Patchy the Pirate