Month: March 2008

I’m not exactly sure what a hibernating bear feels like when awaking from a Winter’s slumber, but I’m sure it must be something similar to the feeling of waking up from your last sleep of Spring Break for an 8a.m. class.

Having escaped all responsibilities for a week and a half (finals ended on Tuesday of finals week, weee!), I decided to take advantage of my most favorite place on earth… My corner bed. Although I still had some responsibilities to address, as I did not get a break from work, the majority of my Spring Break was utilized sleeping.

I started out with 8 hour sleep increments… It then grew to 10, 12 and a most astounding 15 hour sleep increments! I feel this is justified as there were many 3 hour sleep increment nights during the last few weeks of the Winter term and I probably really needed this rest.

Awaking this morning posed a difficult affair. With 35 degree weather awaiting for me outside but wrapped in a feather down blanket, flannel sheets and surrounded by 6 pillows and Bear, the Alarm Clock went off. It took me a good minute or two to figure out what the sound was, where it was coming from and to figure out how to disable the darn thing. Aside from being incredibly grumpy, I let out a big roar of unhappiness as I tumbled back into bed. Grabbing Bear and trying to go back into my most comfortable nest in which I inhabited for the majority of the past 288 hours, the Snooze feature of the Alarm Clock went off again. Stumbling out yet again, I decided to turn on my heater, hoping that a change in temperature may encourage me to creep out from my den. In the end, it was my stomach that won me over and growling and groggy, I awoke from Spring Break 2008.

I am looking forward to Summer Hibernation in three months.

That’s down from my score of 55% eight years ago. So, I’m losing purity at an average rate of 0.5% per year. I’m 23 now, so if I live to be 125, I will make my way down to 0%, making me at least as impure as the most impure people on Earth. (And with advances in modern medicine, I am fully expecting to not only live this long but still have full control of all bodily functions. Don’t disappoint me, science.)

Perhaps I should explain myself. Inspired by adolescent nostalgia, I just took an online purity test. These gained a lot of popularity around my sophomore year of high school, and the results could be either worn as a metaphorical badge of goodness or bragged about in competition for the “high score.”

One test was particularly popular, both for its innovative questions and its willingness explore the creative and humorous side of impurity with questions like, “88. Have you ever eaten sushi off a naked body,” the Alanis-inspired “62. Would you go down on me in a theater,” and the one-two punch of “79. Have you ever walked in on your parents having sex?” and “80. Did you join in?” That test was provided by none other than TheSpark.com. (It has since been taken down, but the dating site OKCupid.com has duplicated it. Scroll down to the end for the link.)

If that sounds familiar, it’s because the guys that started that site are now bringing in boatloads of cashmoney with a little thing called SparkNotes. However, before they were in the business of helping high schoolers pretend like they “did the reading for class,” the Spark people were all about sex, drugs and petty crimes, and everyone I knew in high school was quite happy about that.

Nearly a decade later, here I am taking the same test, and I’ve only dropped four percentage points. As far as morality and purity tracking go, I think that’s pretty good, especially considering most people get their craziness out in the late teens and early twenties. So, while I fully expect to live to be 125 years old, I don’t actually believe I’ll ever reach 0%. Especially considering questions 79 & 80.

That’s just disgusting.

[N.B. The duplicated TheSpark.com purity test can be found here. In order to get your results, this site will make you sign up for their dating service thing, and although it’s free, it’s probably not worth the hassle. So, since it’s a 100 point test, just subtract a point every time you answer “Yes.”]

Let’s hear some of your scores in the comments. Can anyone beat my 51%?

Even though, I had to ask, or you had to ask, and I had to confirm it, or you had to confirm it, just because we are friends on Facebook doesn’t mean that we are actually friends.

“Actually” might not be the right word.

We aren’t legally friends.

That is according to this article and a court ruling.

So, to all of you who thought we were friends or thought you had a kidney donation lined up or that I would loan you a couple dollars if you were down on your luck because of our association on Facebook, I guess we need to reevaluate things…

I’m not a big fan of fantasy movies. While numerous nerds, and inner nerds, got literal and metaphorical boners over the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy, I didn’t even see them all. Which is big, coming from me, who saw Ghost Rider, The Number 23, and “Step Up 2: The Streets”…twice (side note: great movie). I watch just about everything.

I am much more a fan of real life movies, stuff that could actually happen, like “The Bourne Ultimatum”, “Happy Gilmore” and “The Prestige”.

As such, I am starting a new column focused on the best real life movies, focused on real life people, and real life jobs.

And, thus, I introduce to you, the first in a 237 part series in titled “Top 5: Occupational Movies”. Today, we focus on the most loved occupation in the world, lawyers.

Lawyer movies are always enjoyable* (*note, lawyer movies are not always enjoyable). Forced to be well written, they are often full of passionate speeches, twist ending and shocking reveals.

In no particular order, here are 5 recent lawyer movies that can’t be missed (note, this is not a comprehensive list, but more to inspire you and make you qualified to judge if lawyering is something for you):

1. Primal Fear – This movie belongs to Edward Norton. Even if you bought a copy of the film, Edward Norton still owns it. In this, his first film, he plays the defendant, an alter boy, accused of murdering an arch-bishop. Richard Gere, playing your stereotypical arrogant, money grubbing lawyer, chooses to represent him. The last 15 minutes of this movie will blow your mind, and make you wonder if you would ever want to be a criminal lawyer…. good stuff.

2. Philadelphia – The first of the Tom Hanks (click here for some funny Tom Hanks related humor) Oscar double fest, followed by the loveable and seafood restaurant spurning Forrest Gump, this movie teams Tom Hanks, a lawyer, and Denzel Washington, also a lawyer, up against, you guessed it, lawyers. A trifecta of lawyer on lawyer action, the emotionally charged trial over AIDS and a wrongful termination case, will be tearing at your heart strings as you find yourself arguing against “the man”

3. Runaway Jury – John Cusack (always a winner), Gene Hackman and Dustin Hoffman throw in some gorgeous with Rachal Wiesz and you have quite the cast. Something about lawyer movies bring together the who’s who of Hollywood players. It seems like everyone has been in a lawyer movie, all to make a passionate closing argument. This one looks at a firearms case from the jury’s point of view. Entertaining stuff.

4. A Few Good Men – Because of this movie, people will continuously be asking if you are able to ‘handle the truth’. Jack Nicholson and pre-crazy Tom Cruise come together for some heated moments in military court.

5. Legally Blonde – Perhaps the most accurate depiction of law school ever (I have been told…), as far as chick flicks go this one is actually pretty enjoyable. They use a lot of lawyer words, so it, like, totally counts as a lawyer movie. And it manages to teach you a very valuable lesson, for both in and out of the court room, “the bend…. and snap!”.

I realize now that only five movies is somewhat short sighted…here are some more lawyer movies, new and old that are far better than some other movies you could watch (looking your way, “Beowolf”): “To Kill a Mockingbird”, “Fracture”, “The Rainmaker”, “My Cousin Vinny”, “12 Angry Men”, “Erin Brockovich”, “A Time to Kill”, “Ghosts of Mississippi”, “Courage Under Fire”.

There is a lot of pressure placed on the twenty-something-year-old as far as starting a career, making money, finding a permanent mate, and thus becoming part of the real-world. This financial pressure system has left me with a year and a half left of graduate school and looking forward to retirement.

I remember when I was younger I was so much more motivated and so much more disciplined in getting things done and I strived for big dreams. Now, although I’m only in my mid-twenties and still considered by society as “young”, I find myself a cynical, ill-tempered, procrastinator. This leads me to wish that in my extreme youth (birth till 21), I had created financial stability to support my roaring twenties.

This arrangement seems to be a little bit more accommodating. Until about 15, you are not able to drive or get a permit. Legal drinking age starts at 21, and you really are not legal until 18 (16 under some special circumstances). What kind of fun can you really have? Not to mention, your parents are always around to make sure that you’re not having too much fun anyway.

Beside the corrupted development of language, and nurturing needed for childhood, working from birth till 21-years of age really isn’t that bad. That’s 21 years of work experience. We could retire early and having worked for so long, enjoy our retirement not faced with the trials and tribulations that accompany old age. This time can also be spent seriously looking for that special someone to share your life with and to start and raise a family.

Now partying in retirement will eventually get old, especially as we age. My thoughts are that at 41, I’ll probably finally realize what I want to do with my life and maybe will want to go to school to learn how to do what is that I want to do. I’ll be more disciplined then and actually be serious about school because not only am I starting to near zero in my retirement funds, but I will have had much world knowledge and experience to realize my true calling. Plus, with the fast approaching mid-life crisis, I will be even more motivated to leave a little something good behind in the world.

But alas! I have one and a half years left of school, am frightened of what is awaiting me, and am unsure if what I’m studying is my calling for the rest of my life. Which leaves me wondering if I should put off the real-world for another few years by getting yet another degree. Kanye never took into consideration that maybe those pursuing degrees upon degrees in college may just be scared of what awaits them after school is over.

Living in Hawaii, we don’t get a lot of first tier concerts. We aren’t the entertainment mecca of a Los Angeles or a New York, or even an Albuquerque, New Mexico.

So when a concert is announced and you have even heard of the headlining band the general feeling is that you should go to it.

This year, I have been to three concerts with three bands that have been heard on MTV: Incubus, 30 Seconds to Mars and Brand New.

While I know and enjoy each of these bands, and their hit singles that get said airplay on MTV, going to their concerts made it abundantly clear that I do not know their much of their catalog of songs or discography beyond that. Thus, being at their concerts surrounded by hard-core band fans who clearly know the lyrics of every b-side track and demo songs, can leave you feeling out of place, faking that you know the lyrics, and trying desperately to fit in (which can be difficult when the guy next to you has a mohawk and you are wearing a Banana Republic shirt).

Every concert, though, I know this is going to happen, so the intention is to do a little homework and research to get acquainted with the band. And yet, every concert, I fail to do this. It’s like going into a test at school having not studied a lick. Or in worse offenses, showing up for class and not even knowing you have test.

It usually doesn’t end up working out, and as such, the concert probably isn’t as much fun as the $40 ticket would lead me to believe.

Perhaps I should start being less of a concert whore and being a little more selective. Damn whoring.

What’s the best concert you have been to that you were actually prepared for?

I knew Disney was kind of fruity, but this is almost too much.

I was shopping at my local Vons (not Ralph’s, for good reason ) the other day and I went to the produce section to pick up my regular purchase of Granny Smith apples, the only good kind of apple. As I was sorting through the individual apples, picking the nice looking ones out, groping them for inconsistencies and tossing aside any that were bruised or otherwise imperfect, I looked up for no particular reason, and there they were.

A bag full of nearly pristine, perfectly-sized Granny Smiths, courtesy of the kind folks at Disney.

A few things should be noted here. First, I’m not a huge Disney fan. I don’t go see all of the movies, I don’t watch the Disney channel, I don’t even look back on a childhood riddled with animated Disney movie memories, except perhaps Aladdin and his whole new world. Man… what I would give to share a whole new world with Jasmine … sigh…

Second, I’m not a snob who eats only organic fruits grown by people with whom I am on a first name basis. I like to support community, like a hippie, but I like to save money more, like a selfish person.

With that in mind, one should realize exactly what I did: at nearly half the price per lb of regular Granny Smiths, I bought the Disney apples. And in recent days, I’ve been enjoying them immensely, both for their perfect size and their juicy deliciousness, and also for the free temporary tattoo that came in the package.

Sure, I might be somewhat worried Disney is taking over the world, but as far as I’m concerned, they have to beat out Google and Apple first, so their world domination is at least a few years away. In the meantime, I’ll be enjoying my cheap but tasty apples. And hey, now they make Disney kiwi, too!

One of my life long dreams was fulfilled a few years ago at the the Los Angeles Airport.

A scruffy facial haired, hat donning, guitar carrying, t-shirt and jeans clothed version of myself sat waiting patiently for my flight home. Looking inconspicuous, minding my own business, and doing nothing more than being my normal self , a man walked by, did a double take, then asked “Umm, are you that guy from that show?”

Now, not knowing what guy he was talking about or what show he might have seen him on, I knew exactly how I had to answer, “Yes, yes I am,” and smiled. He asked me for an autographed, I scribbled something illegible and he went on his way. It was the first and probably only time I will ever be mistaken for being a celebrity (which is not say I won’t ever be recognized, at some point, as a celebrity), and it was awesome.

When you are not rich and not famous, there is something neat about those simple moments when you can feel like you are.

I am a somewhat charitable person. When asked, I always try to spare a little change, and not just touch my pants pockets a couple times, shrug my shoulders and say sorry.

On one particular occasion, I opened my wallet, hoping to find a crisp George Washington snuggled between the 20 dollar bill (singular) and the side wall of my wallet, but disappointingly found nothing but the twenty. Having committed to giving something already, I looked up, looked back at the twenty and slowly pulled it out and bid it adieu. Knowing full well that I had just given away my food money and would be eating cup of noodle for the next three days, I acted like it was no biggie, that I had tons of money to spare. I was gratefully thanked, and went on my way.

I think I might have impressed him as I came off looking much richer than I actual was.

Perhaps, though, my greatest instance of this, was my one and only first class flight. Cashing in on some well overdue miles, I splurged an extra 5,000 miles to not just get a free ticket, but a free first class return ticket from a mainland trip.

First class is aspirational. When you are sitting in coach, and you look up there towards the front, sneaking peaks behind that curtain that divides you from the successful people, you want nothing more than to be up there. Especially when you are squashed in the middle seat between an obesely overweight man who’s fat is folding over the arm rest, and a crying baby.

So, with my free ticket in hand, my moment had arrived. Despite being giddier than a school girl at a Justin Timberlake concert, I tried everything in my power to pull off the illusion that I belonged there.

I casually walked up to the first class counter to check in, strolled nonchalantly through the security check point until I took my seat in the holding area. At the preboarding announcement for first class and premier club passengers, I slowly got up, tossed my bag over my shoulder, like I had done this a million times before, and entered the gate.

Because first class passengers board first, when it comes time for the lowly coach passengers to be herded onto the plane, they have to do so past the comfortably seated first class passengers. I tried to look normal, reading the paper, and averting eye contact as much as possible, only occasionally looking up at the kids as they walk by and with a simple look tell them that “yes, one day, you can be living this life, too”.

I don’t think one needs money to be happy. Though, I would agree, it helps. In each of my mistaken richness moments, they weren’t fun because I came off looking rich or that I ever felt I was better than anyone else, they were fun because it gave me a feeling of success. Finding success is to find happiness. Feeling successful, and being able to feel proud about yourself is to really be happy. And if you can find that in cases of mistaken identities and first class tickets, it’s nice, as is finding it in the work that you do and with the people that you love, and that doesn’t require any money at all.

My childhood friends are coming back to kill some Cobra Commandos.

Any fans of the toys, cartoons, or NES games about G.I. Joe will be ecstatic to know that come August of 2009, they can see Snake Eyes, General Hawk, Sgt. Slaughter and the gang on the big screen, fighting Destro and the evil forces of the Cobras.

Joe has had a surge of popularity in recent years, thanks in part to the hilarious re-dubbed PSAs by Fensler Films. Perhaps that helped contribute to the film idea going forward. Or perhaps it was the wild success of Transformers. Either way, what I want to focus on is all the other childhood toys that are getting the Hollywood snub.

Anybody remember Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots ? Where’s their big budget explosion-fest? Sure, there was Robot Jox, distantly similar to the toys, but even a hardcore fan such as myself can admit that the plot might have been lacking slightly on that one. With Transformers just coming out, maybe the market is just the right temperature for another hot robot movie.

Another favorite is Mr. Potato Head. We all loved his wisecracks in Toy Story; why not give him his own film? After all, he’s been experimenting will all different looks lately, he’s practically a chameleon. I’m thinking he’d be good for a spy film. Plus he’s got that sweet, sweet mustache, and who doesn’t love their leading men having a bushy upper lip?

What I’d really like to see is a He-Man flick. Sure, Dolph Lungren and the gang already did this one, but let’s be honest, that movie was ridiculous, and I’m not even including Courtney Cox in my judgment. (With her contributions, the film sinks way, WAY lower than just “ridiculous.”) No, what a new Masters of the Universe film really needs is a 300 -style squad of ultra-ripped dudes, crushing Skeletor and his minions in the graphic novel style of Sin City. Can’t you just picture He-Man yelling “This is Grayskull!” as he kicks some fool into a bottomless pit?

Which toys-turned-movies am I missing? What would you like to see brought to the silver screen?

And “The Man’s” name is Ralph—as in Ralph’s supermarket.

Hippies are all about natural foods, community building, free love and psychedelic drugs. This entry will be about the first two, and briefly touch on the third (apologies to the druggos out there).

I’ve run into some issues since I moved about nine months ago and had to start going to a new grocery store. I’ve shopped at Ralph’s before and was never very impressed with the service or selection, but it was also never anything that dismayed or disturbed me. That all changed when I began shopping at my new Ralph’s.

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Nobody seemed to know anybody else there, which was strange since it seems to be mostly airline employees (due to the close proximity of LAX), LMU students, and Westchester residents, which is an admittedly small community. However, that didn’t bother me so much as the general lackadaisical nature of the employees, long lines at the checkout at all hours, and the very poor quality of the produce.

After all, hippies like their natural foods, but since I’m a selfish hippie, I didn’t want to have to go to Trader Joe’s and pay slightly higher prices.

Trying to be a supportive member of the community, I wrote a letter expressing my dissatisfaction with my neighborhood Ralph’s, detailing my complaints and grievances, and hoping they would be fixed in a timely matter. I received a swift reply saying something to the effect of “We appreciate your business and we apologize for your recent experience. We’ve passed your comments on to the store manager so that they can improve their service. Thank you for shopping at Ralph’s.”

I was elated. My contribution may have actually helped improve the world! And all because I was too selfish to spend an extra couple bucks at Joe’s.

Several months passed with no improvement in service. Needless to say, I was perturbed. Like a dog who looks for better food at the neighbor’s house, I started venturing off, dabbling at Albertson’s, Vons, even Costco despite the general uneasy feeling I get from the type of people who shop there. (You know the ones… they get the huge flatbed carts and usually end up running over at least three people before they’re done buying all their Frappucinos and Velveeta in bulk.) They all were better than my neighborhood Ralph’s.

Well, I decided it. It was time to break up for good. Like all civilized break-ups, I did it through print correspondence. I sent another e-mail through the company website. When I received the reply, I knew I had made the right choice:

Dear Mr. Lehman:

Thank you for contacting Ralphs Grocery Co. Please accept my sincerest apologies for your recent experience. It is our goal to exceed customer expectations and when we don’t live up to them, we do want to know about it. I have made the store manager and his team of associates aware of your comments so they can receive the feedback they need in order to improve in this area. A member of management will contact you within the next week to discuss your experiences.

Again, I am very sorry that your experience did not meet your expectations, or ours. Thank you for shopping at Ralphs. There is nothing more important to us than making sure your shopping experience meets your every need.

Sincerely,

Emily Boomershine
Consumer Affairs

Well Ms. Boomershine, I think you work for a crappy company, and you should quit and find a job worthy of you and your very cool surname. This hippie will be finding a new grocery store. Safeway, anyone?

What kinds of bad experiences have you had with Ralph’s?