Most professional athletes are pretty prolific at it. Politicians have their own ivy-league-preppy version of it, which is kind of effective (at least, in their own circles). Me, I am pretty inept.
I’m not sure why this is. I pride myself on being fairly situationally comedic (you know, like “Friends” or “How I Met Your Mother”) and really isn’t that what trash talking is all about. Making humorous, insulting observations about a person, or their mother, at an appropriate time to break their concentration. That’s my forte. But for some reason, doing so in the form of trash talk, trying to talk the smack, it escapes me.
I couldn’t trash talk a overly-emotional first grader to tears.
In my opinion, good trash talk consists of one or all of the following and must be delivered with ill intensions:
1. A detrimental statement about one’s abilities. (”Your skills at this particular task are inadequate!”) Bonus points if it is sexual in nature (”You’re skills at particular sexual tasks are very inadequate!”)
2. A derogatory comment about one’s mother. (”Your mother sucks!”) Bonus points if it is sexual in nature. (”Your mother sucks… everybody!”) Double bonus points if it is sexual in nature and references yourself. (”Your mother sucks… everybody… including myself… frequently and often”) Triple bonus points if it is sexual in nature and references yourself and is derogatory. (”Your mother sucks…. everybody… including myself… frequently and often… but she sucks at it.)
3. A threatening statement of violence. (”I am going hurt you”). Bonus points if it is fatal in nature. (”I am going to kill you”). Double bonus points if it is really fatal in nature (”I am going to kill you dead!”)
4. Swear words. (”I am going to kick you butt!”)
5. Similes (to convey your intentions with a clear, non-related example). (”I am going to beat you like a rug!)
It seems so straight forward. So easily put together with these easy steps.
Why can’t I do it?