For all the flack Canada gets, it’s actually a pretty cool country.

The most recent news to come out of the “great beyond” is about money, and was rousing enough to stir this selfish hippie into writing something to get the word out. It’s a topic that has weighed on me for several months now, ever since I cleaned out and organized my room. It’s something that nearly every civilized country with similar currency has already taken care of, and like usual, for this progressive movement we’re at the back of the pack.

It’s the penny, and it makes hardly any cents, and absolutely no sense.

Canada is trying to become the next country to do away with the penny, instead just rounding prices to the nearest five cents. Before anybody starts shouting about how we’ll be getting screwed out of pennies on the dollar, think about this. You might buy a hamburger for $2.98 with tax. Rounded up, it’s $3, costing you an extra two cents. However, perhaps after your hamburger, you buy a milkshake for $1.97. This time, the price is rounded down to the nearest five cents to $1.95, so you save two cents. So, on average, you wouldn’t lose any money and you wouldn’t gain any.

It makes cents/sense. (And don’t worry, I’ll only make that joke a couple more times.)

I’m not the only one that thinks this; far from it. Besides several bloggers and newspersons ranting, many countries have abolished their one cent pieces because they cost more to make than they are actually worth. Consequently, there’s the risk of people melting the coins down and selling the material and turning about a 170% profit. For some more information on the debate over whether or not to trash the coin, check out the wikipedia article, particularly the portion about other countries that have done away with small change.

Of course, you all know why I’m in favor of getting rid of the penny. Not only does it free up some time, energy and money for the government, as well as use fewer resources manufacturing pennies, which I would then hope (perhaps naively) they use productively in a way that benefits me somehow, but it simplifies my life and frees up a few hours every couple months that would normally be spent rolling my pennies and depositing them at the bank. Although, to be honest, I do feel that rolling coins can be a somewhat zen experience.

In the meantime, I encourage everyone to use your common sense/cents. Use your pennies as much as possible. Nobody seems to like pennies, so when you get some, keep them in your pocket, and use them the next chance you get. Push those nasty little coppers off on someone else, saving yourself time, energy and money.

After all, that’s what the selfish hippie is all about: saving money while saving the world.

“Katie,” he says, so softly it almost comes out as a whisper, but just loudly enough to wake her. And just as he vanishes, her eyes open wide, taking in all the incredible sight of a living, breathing person disappearing into thin air.

And so ends the series “Journeyman,” which was not as cheesy as I made it sound but which ran for a whole 13 episodes before the hacks at NBC pulled the plug on yet another great, promising new show.

I understand that TV is a business, that stations need advertisers to pay for the shows on the air, and that if there aren’t enough viewers and aren’t good enough ratings, advertisers won’t pay high enough prices to support the show continuing to run. I get it. I’m a capitalist, after all (though I’m also a selfish hippie, and no, those two things don’t contradict each other). What I don’t understand is that if TV stations are so cash-strapped that they can’t even give a promising show that had a healthy supply of buzz about it, why are they still staging gimmicks like giving guest appearances to washed up spastics like Britney Spears or useless sex video stars like Paris Hilton?

Okay, sure, two guest appearances by these “celebrities” probably aren’t costing the networks much because Brit and Paris want to somehow remove the stains from their tarnished dignity and image. Still, it’s not the specific costs that matter as much as the poor decisions that lead to actually giving these people money to make a sitcom less funny. Let’s like if I paid some illiterate sixth grader a couple bucks to write a post on here about the housing bubble and the Dow Jones; sure, it’d be funny for about two seconds as we all laughed at the kid for being an idiot, but it definitely would not be worth my $2.

So to extend the metaphor, if we hadn’t given all of the sixth-grade man-children with the single digit IQs huge chunks of cash, perhaps we would still be enjoying high-end television programming and we wouldn’t have such brain-meltingly bad shows like “The Hills,” “Laguna Beach,” or pretty much anything on Bravo.

With that in mind, here’s a few shows that have been pulled off the air in recent years that, had the network execs been slightly less idiotic, perhaps could have and definitely should have been saved.

• Journeyman – A fantastic show about a man who suddenly finds that he time travels, but also finds it wreaks havoc on his personal and professional life as he can’t control when or where he goes. Reminiscent of my favorite book last year, “The Time Traveler’s Wife,” by Audrey Niffenegger.

• Smith – Ray Liotta was excellent in this heist drama that looked, sounded and felt like it was a major motion picture playing one week at a time. I guess it cost a lot of money to create that look and feel, because this one only lasted three episodes.

• Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip – Okay sure, Aaron Sorkin got lost in his own head a little bit with this hourlong dramedy about the inner workings of a sketch comedy show, but it was still better than 90% of TV.

…and my all time favorite show ever in the world…

• Sports Night – Before Sorkin focused on the pretentious inner workings of a sketch comedy show, he did a two season run focused on the inner workings of a Sportscenter-esque show. This program was clever in some parts and downright hilarious in all others, but it also had more heart and emotion than most hourlong dramas, all packed into a half hour and paced within an inch of its life. If you want a life-changing experience from your television, pick up the DVDs.

What shows were your favorites that have gotten trashed before they had a chance to shine?

Sweet Lady Fortune, oh how I love thee. And Hugo Salgado, you’re pretty cool too.

After a long day at the office, walking home with a splitting headache and trying to pronounce “Ich wohne mit mein Mann hier” in the bitter cold, I walked into my apartment complex and checked the mail. And hidden beneath the bills, Pennysaver and other junk mail lay a gift from the hispanic Gods: the Sports Illustrated Latino Swimsuit Edition.

Let me explain to you something. For almost a year now since I moved into my apartment, my roommates and I have received all sorts of mail addressed to previous residents of our humble abode. In fact, if we desired, we could probably have a healthy identity theft ring going just by opening all the misdirected mail. However, being upstanding young citizens, we send it back with a “Return to Sender” and go about the rest of our days as normal. That includes the issue of SI Latino we received last June, but apparently the good folks at Sports Illustrated disagreed with our assessment that Hugo no longer lived here, and decided to continue sending us their magazine anyway.

My roommates and I all dabble in a little Spanish (or “un poco Español,” si quieres), so we would usually leaf through the pages of each issue and then leave it on the coffee table so that to the outside observer we might appear more multi-cultural. However, this mail mistake has not paid off quite so handsomely until today, when I pulled the issue out of the box and found Daniella Sarahyba inviting me to gaze upon her “cuerpo maravilloso.”

Sadly, from my brief glances, it seems SI Latino lags far behind Sports Illustrated in terms of swimsuit issues. Where SI regular devotes nearly an entire issue to scantily clad sex objects… er, swimwear models, SI Latino has just six pages, thrown in at the back of the magazine almost as an afterthought.

Nevertheless, whether this answers any questions about cultural differences between readers of SI Latino (presumably, latinos) and readers of SI regular is not my concern. After all, we’re not in the business of answering big questions, we’re in the business of misusing big words.

I don’t mind admitting that I have a pretty healthy belief and respect for science and technology. Some people even think I give these things too much merit when I say that by the time I’m old, I won’t have to worry about most of the major diseases plaguing us today—stuff like AIDS, Alzheimer’s, etc. Or they tell me I’m being absurd when I say that technology will allow me to have one small Tylenol-sized pill in my ear that acts as my music device, my cell phone, my TV and almost any other portable device we use, and will be completely controlled by thoughts.

You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one. After all, apparently they’ve already cured cancer.

I come quickly to the point. For those who hadn’t heard, scientists are creating something called a Large Hadron Collider, which is basically the Aston Martin of particle accelerators. They’re thinking that once it’s all done, they’ll find the “missing link” to create a unifying scientific theory of physics, and they’ll probably even be able to make black holes and study them in a controlled environment. Essentially, this will go a long way towards delivering the future I’m expecting. That is, if we don’t screw it up for ourselves.

And here come the bad guys to do just that. In fact, my favorite news article comes with this appealing headline: “Particle accelerator project sued on fears it will destroy the planet.” In terms of headlines, how can you get much better than that?

These particle-accelerating wildmen seem to think this thing is perfectly safe, and as far as I’m concerned, their opinion is the only one that matters to me. After all, if they make a big matter-sucking black hole, they’ll be the first ones sucked in, so that’s pretty good motivation not to screw up.

That’s right, the Sixth Annual Short Pants Friday is tomorrow, Friday, April 4th!

Show a little ankle in support of this International holiday by wearing ankle-revealing clothing or hiking up your pant legs. Don’t forget to take pictures of you and your friends participating in this event! You can email them to [email protected] and they will be posted on the site.

For more information on the event click here: http://www.misusingbigwords.com/2008/04/short-pants-friday.html

The past month has been a horrible whirlwind of financial difficulties rooted in an institution called Higher-One. For those of you who have the joy of not knowing this financial service (which I think should be changed to “disservice”), Higher-One is a financial company which handles the refunds and provides a means for students to lose and spend money. Higher-One enables all students to have their school ID also be a credit card in which holds all your financial aid disbursements.

The bottom line is that Portland State University (PSU) has contracted with Higher-One so that I cannot have access of my money through PSU. I must, however, pay PSU tuition, books and all other financial fees through this agency so that my money flow goes similar to this: US Government Financial Aid to PSU to Higher-One to PSU. Higher-One also does not exist as a banking agency where I can talk to an actual person in person (I prefer this method because I can usually win them over with my personality, or stare them down until I receive the customer service to satisfy my needs), nor does this agency provide a customer service team that actually knows how their business works.

Now while this may be thought as a great idea because this arrangement allows your financial aid money to remain separate from personal bank accounts and makes your money very difficult to access which will limit student spending, there are many overriding factors that make this arrangement not the most optimal. Here is a list:

1. Higher-One ATMs are the only source of cash money withdrawal with a limit of $500/day. There are only two in the Portland area.
2. If you opt out of the Higher-One account, your financial aid money will take up to 2 weeks (sometimes longer) to get to you.
3. Customer service and crappy account security makes it your sole responsibility to duke it out with fraud, should money be stolen from your account.

I’d like to focus on point number 3, as this is the most recent event that has ticked me off with this agency. For the past month, I have been trying to get about $600 back that had been stolen from my Higher-One account. Having called customer service to report and close my account, I was told that I would have to call the people who made the transaction and confirm that it was not a transaction that I had willingly made. After being received by a Motel in Illinois (a state I have never been to) I was told I was one of about 60 people who have called regarding the same type of transaction and that the transaction was not made there.

Assuming that this is fraud, I then re-called Higher-One who then told me that I would be charged $20 to report my card lost or stolen (which it wasn’t, someone just had stolen my account information), or I could just close the account free of charge (how nice of them!), but it needed to be liquidated first. Because the amount left in my account was a measly $4.14 and the only options for account liquidation are to:

a) make a credit card charge of exactly $4.14
b) make a cash withdrawal through one of two ATMs in the Portland area
c) have a check mailed to me which would take up to 2 months to process.

Since I am not able to get $4.14 out of an ATM and making an exact credit purchase of $4.14 poses some difficulty, I saw myself in a conundrum not very helpful to the urgency of the situation. Meanwhile, my new financial aid disbursement of thousands of dollars was on its way to be deposited into this account in which the information has already been stolen. Great.

After all of this and in finally closing the account (I ordered coffee and tipped enough to make the grand total $4.14), I was then told that Higher-One had dismissed my fraud report because the account was closed and that I would not even be considered to get my money back. WTF? It has been over a month since this fraudulent charge has been made and this is still where I stand in the matter.

Until I can definitively close my Higher-One account, I have re-opened my account but have liquidated it to a new checking account hosted by Bank of America so that I can still keep my financial aid/school money funds separate from my other personal checking account funds, but if something should happen, I have the support of the well-trained and knowledgeable BoA staff to help me out in such cases. Plus, I get free lollipops, online banking benefits, and people who I can talk to in person.

If you have an existing account with Higher-One through your school, I would highly recommend you do the same.

This week’s installment is a mish-mash of timely tips, tricks and tirades. Read on with the knowledge that none of these are related to each other, other than that they help one “be green.”

1.

As you may be aware, every few months I like to go through the rooms of my living space and organize and get rid of all the junk. A lot of it I usually find I can sell for modest prices, much of it can be reused or repurposed, and a large amount goes right in the trash. The rest is given away, either to Goodwill, the library, or friends/family/acquaintances/mortal enemies. Starting March 17, though, I have one more place to get rid of my junk: send it to the government!

Free pre-paid envelopes make it easy for me to send old electronics, ink cartridges, etc far away from my now-uncluttered home. This gets my old useless crap out of my line of vision and into the hands of people who can actually do something with it. And considering the circumstances of California, Los Angeles, and the entire country these days, we might as well give the government something worthwhile to spend their time on, since they don’t seem to be doing anything important right now anyway.

2.

Since we seem to be in mid-recession right now, and since layoffs and bankruptcies are happening left and right, now is as good a time as any to offer a way to get some free cashmoney. After all, the “green” in “going green” doesn’t just mean “good for the Earth.” In this case, it means “Good for your collection of greenbacks.”

There’s a new way to send money online called Revolution Money Exchange. It’s totally legit—in fact, read about it in USA Today. As a promotion until April 15, the company is giving away $25 just for signing up. I received mine instantly and already transferred it to my checking account. Plus, if you refer people to the site, you receive an additional $10. So if you want some free money, click the button below. That’s $30 free for 10 minutes of your time. Not too shabs, I don’t think. (Believe me, I’m more skeptical than most when it comes to this stuff, but I’ve already had a chance to waste my $30 on booze and women, so why shouldn’t you have that chance?)

And, in true hippie spirit, this lessens the use of paper money and paper checks, saving a couple trees in the process.

3.

Finally, a short tirade. Probably millions of people from all sorts of countries participated in Earth Hour this past Saturday, where they all turned off all the lights and electricity from 8pm-9pm in an effort to save some power. While I applaud the innovative thinking and I realize it clearly helped cut power, this still seems like putting a band aid on a stab wound. Instead of turning your lights off for an hour, we should be focusing on not using as many lights on a regular basis.

When you leave a room, turn the light off, even if you think someone else will be coming in there in just a minute. If you need a reading light, turn off the main room light when you turn on the reading light. My general rule of thumb is anytime I want to use a light, I make sure to turn off another one somewhere first. Remember it this way: “Turn one off before you turn one on.” And that’s not even counting all the other ways you can cut power.

Sure, a band aid will help a little bit with a stab wound, but you’d be much better off with stitches and some antiseptic. So please, instead of this Earth Hour idiocy, let’s work on continuous improvement. And if you find yourself slacking, just remember the selfish hippie motto: “Save Money While Saving the World.”

Has Winter left you pastey and glum? Are you ready for Spring yet? Well, have I got a holiday for you:

Short Pants Friday!!!

Hooray for warmer weather, bluer skies, and appreciation of my most favorite season, Spring! There is no other way to acknowledge that Spring has sprung than to participate in this year’s Sixth Annual Short Pants Friday.

What is Short Pants Friday, you ask? Well for all you lovely future Short Pants Friday ParticiPANTS (har har!), I went straight to the Canadian source. I caught up with Amy and Leslie, creators of this most joyous holiday, for more details.

Cherie: “When did Short Pants Friday originate and why?”

Leslie: “It started in the back country of Quebec, where the Winters, so generous with snow, had fenced us in on every side, and cabin fever was inevitable. With April came some faint hope of Spring, some faint hope of escape from the tortuous weather, and so, like early Pagan May Day celebrators we thought we ought welcome the Season of Spring into our lives, to sing Her praises, to worship Her warmth, thus to encourage Her presence to arrive ever sooner. We responded to the frigid cold temperatures by dressing as least-frigid as we could: in short pants.”

Amy: “Yes, the idea for Short Pants Friday was conceived one cold and snowy Thursday afternoon in early April, 2003. I decided that it might be entertaining to see how many of our friends I could convince to also wear shorts the next day, and thus the day was born!”

Cherie: “Nice. Seeing as the holiday has taken off and survived an impressive six years, the initial reaction received must have been wonderful!”

Amy: “Short Pants Friday was born out of the cold snowy Northernly regions of the world, where Spring has not yet fully sprung even in early April, and so it is meant to encourage hope to the individuals who live in these climatic regions that warmer days will soon be at hand. If the weather is still cold, it is meant to prove that hope will prevail regardless!”

Cherie: “Wow. That’s intensely hope-inducing. Very powerful and positive message. Is this holiday just meant for these Northernly regions in which you speak of then?”

Amy: “Well, the day is meant to span borders as well, to stretch across oceans, and to unite all who love warmer weather, and for one day, synchronize their proud display of ankle-revealing clothing.”

Leslie: “Also, the wearing of seasonally-inappropriate-clothing often leads to questions regarding the clothier’s sanity, which can be responded to with explanation regarding the welcoming-in of Spring, and the purposeful revealing of one’s ankles. This thus spreads the common awareness of Springs necessary welcome, and encourages others to view our Earth’s Seasons as fickle friends, needing to be coaxed into our presence with ritual and tradition. We basically just want to get back to the brilliance that was Pagan May Day.”

Cherie: “I see, so basically just to welcome in Spring. So how does one participate in Short Pants Friday?”

Amy: “Well, the rules are as follows:
1. The day always falls on the first Friday in April.
2. One’s ankles must be showing. What one chooses to wear to display their ankles is left entirely to the discretion of the individual.
3. The weather does not matter, the day must go on!
4. Eligible participants include anyone.”

Leslie: “So shorts, short shorts, capris, skirts, etc. The ankles must be showing – that is the main qualifier. It is the freedom of the ankles which are a true signifier of warm weather, after all.”

Cherie: “Very true… well I know I for one will be a particiPANT in this year’s 6th Annual Short Pants Friday event!”

Amy & Leslie: (laughter)

Cherie: “Thank you very much for your time and I’ll do my best to spread the word!”

Amy & Leslie: “Thank you.”

Well, there you have it, folks… The Sixth Annual Short Pants Friday. Bear your ankles this Friday, April 4th, 2008. In support of this wonderful holiday, Misusing Big Words will host a picture posting event. Send your pictures of you participating in this year’s Short Pants Friday to [email protected] and I’ll post them on our site. Represent your neighborhood, town, city, state, etc. as a participant in this Global event.