I’ve been getting a little off-track lately with crusades and Canadians and stories of solar-powered stegosaurs, so let’s get back to the basics. Here’s a random smattering of tips and tricks to help you live out the code of the Selfish Hippie: save money while saving the world.

What a Crock!
For Christmas last year, I asked for a crock pot for purely lazy reasons. After a few somewhat disgusting stews, I’ve had some good times making some delicious meals that take about a half an hour of work and that make so much I can live off the leftovers for up to two weeks. Imagine my delight, then, when I read about how good crock pots are for your energy bill. Bingo! So, as long as you can avoid any mishaps like burning pork shoulder and making your whole apartment smell like roast pig (yes, it does happen), then the crock pot can be your favorite method of cooking like it is mine.

Toothbrush Tricks
According to my dentist, old toothbrushes should be changed for new ones every 2 months. According to about.com, it’s 3 months. Either way, that’s 4-6 toothbrushes per year. So the first tip, while it’s not necessarily hippie, is to stock up when prices are down. For example, I caught a toothbrush sale a month ago where they were 50 cents apiece. Needless to say, I won’t need to buy another toothbrush for a few years. Now that you’re stocked up, let me lay some hippie speak on you: after you’re done using that toothbrush on the hard to reach places in your mouth, toss it in the dishwasher to clean it and then use it for those hard to reach places in the home. Window tracks, tile grout, and many other things that you can blackmail a child/roommate/girlfriend into cleaning are prime candidates for the toothbrush trick. If you’re not into cleaning, they’re also great for all sorts of craft and woodworking projects. Be creative.

Water Worriers vs. Water Warriors
Water can be a major sinkhole on your bills. Luckily, there are all kinds of ways to use less water, do less work, and save more time and money. If you’re not down with the whole “If it’s yellow, let it mellow. If it’s brown, flush it down,” mentality for bathroom energy efficiency, here’s a few other tips on how to save water. (And no, you don’t have to buy into the doom-and-gloom apocalyptic shpeal at the beginning of that article, but you can still profit from their tricks.)

Free Money Reminder
In case you missed my song and dance about this new site called Revolution Money Exchange, check out that previous post. Basically, this site is like PayPal but without credit cards. Instead, you send money directly from your checking account to another. They are completely secure and legitimate, and it’s actually run by one of the guys from AOL (but it’s not total rubbish like AOL). And, even cooler, extended until May 15, they’re giving away $25 just for signing up. If you click on the green button on the right and sign up as my referral, I’ll get a $10 referral bonus, which I’ll then split with you. So basically, you’re coming away with $30 for doing almost nothing. I already spent most of mine on booze and women, then wasted the rest of it. Oh, and the service they provide is pretty cool, so it’d be worth using even if they didn’t pay you to.

Do you feel like you’re becoming a selfish hippie? Have some tricks or tips you’d like to share with the community? Leave them in the comments, or e-mail me at [email protected]. Until then, keep saving money while saving the world.

We’ve spent so many years together, and I feel like I know every part of you. I feel your gentle curves, your rough edges, and sometimes I can even tell you’re feeling extra sensitive today. But mostly, I’m just glad I have you with me, because without you, Teeth, how could I chew my food, or open difficult packaging, or bite my nails?

Yes, there are many things to love about you, Teeth. For instance, you’re so cute when you get cold and make that little chattering noise. And you know the ladies always get a laugh. Of course, then you help me be more attractive by showing everyone how white and clean you are. Do I ponder whether or not your love for being white is a little racist? Sure I do, but in the end, I’m okay with it if you are.

Despite all the good times though, Teeth, we’ve had some tough times, too. Remember that summer, back in high school? Of course you do. God, there was so much blood. And I was so worried about you; of course, you must have been much more worried than me, weren’t you, Teeth? But we fought through the pain of the surgery, and the separation anxiety of being without your brothers, the wisdom teeth. It was agony for awhile, but we were there for each other then just like we always will be. And it helps knowing that I got to keep the remains of those little wisdom teeth. (Or at least I think I still have them, stashed in that box in my closet… no wait, they’re in the filing cabinet… wait, that can’t be right…)

Our special times together at morning and at night, me brushing you softly and you feeling great and clean… well, those are some of my best memories of us together. One of my favorite things about you, Teeth, is how you keep that extra buildup of food and junk in between lower right molars 6 & 7. You know that I always feel like I’ve uncovered an amazing treasure when I dig out a fingernail-sized chunk of carrot during flossing, and knowing that about me shows me that you care.

So, for all those reasons and more, Teeth, let’s stick together forever. Or at least until I’m really old and I have to replace you with new, fake teeth. Sorry in advance for that.

Click… and she’s gone. I hung up the phone with righteous indignation, but sadly, nobody could tell. After all, how can you press a button angrily?

Thus, after a lot of soul searching, I’ve decided I want a flip phone. It’s not the convenience or smaller size I seek. No, it’s the ability to snap it shut with an audible “CLAP.”

Part of the appeal of land lines is that back in the day of home telephones, if I was justifiably incensed with the person on the other line, I could slam the phone down with a flourish, cursing the heavens in my rage. And if I was really on edge, I could pick it up and slam it down a few more times.

Now, imagine we’re in the world of cellular phones (I shouldn’t think this would take too much imagination) and you want to express your fury at your calling partner. How will they ever know they’ve upset you if you just push the “End” button with malice in your heart and in your button-pushing thumb?

Okay, sure, the person on the other line can’t actually hear a difference in hang-up methods, you say. Well, I say it doesn’t matter. Can the person in the 18-wheeler that just cut you off on the higway hear you when you insult his mother? No, probably not, but that’s not the point. The point is let the anger flow out, let the juice loose, so to speak. Cursing out an ignorant driver and vehemently hanging up a telephone both achieve that purpose.

So here’s where we bring it full circle. Since land lines are going the way of Betamax and HD DVD, we will have no choice but to be using cell phones in the coming years. And since many cell phones only have “Send” and “End” buttons, trying to express your rage through pressing extra hard on the “End” button just won’t do.

No, the flip phone is different. You can snap that baby shut as hard as you like, and it gives off more satisfying “CLAPs” the harder it shuts. And possibly the best part is that nobody knows it’s happening except you. This is the passive aggressive person’s answer to irritating phone calls, and I love it. And let’s be honest: we all know that the person on the other line, even if they can’t hear, knows what’s happening, and is crying themselves to sleep at night because of it.

Well, I like to think so at least.

“Wow, you look terrible.”

“Are you okay? You don’t look so hot.”

“I wasn’t going to say anything, but you do look pretty awful.”

Thanks everyone. Tell me how you really feel.

Have you ever noticed how, when you tell someone you are not feeling well, no matter if they don’t even know you at all, you’ll inevitably hear one of those phrases? Why is that?

I’ve always found it odd that people feel like they can pick on someone just for having a cold. Except between mortal enemies or best friends, you don’t often hear one person tell another directly to their face, “Oh my goodness, you don’t look good at all.” Is this an evolutionary thing? Do we prey on the ill and the weakened because our instincts drive us to do so?

Perhaps this is just an excuse. Maybe these comments have been brewing in the minds of others, and once those words come out of your mouth—“Yeah, I think I’m coming down with something,”—it’s just a matter of time before someone tells you “Yeah, I can tell. You look like hell.” And maybe that’s just something the person has wanted to tell you for a long time, and now, in your time of illness, they can get away with it scot-free.

So what can you do? I say be grateful. Thank the germs that infested your body for allowing your friends and acquaintances to finally get some angst off their chest. Because let’s face it, when you’re all better, you’re both going to pretend like it never happened. And if you still feel raw about it, just wait and hope their time to be sick comes soon. To speed up the process, you can even “accidentally” sneeze or cough on them.

Then, when it happens, enjoy it. “Hey! Are you sick? Because your appearance is downright appalling!”

We could learn something from the dinosaurs. Well, something besides how best to eat a human in two bites.

I was in the Natural History Museum in Mesa, AZ, not far from Phoenix, and I saw something peculiar. Actually, I saw more than one peculiar thing, but I’m not even going to get started on feathered dinosaurs. No, the peculiar thing I saw was a description of a stegosaurus that said the plates on their back were thought to soak up heat in the cold seasons and give off heat in the warm seasons to help regulate the body temperature. And even though this idea is apparently heavily debated in the scientific community, it got me thinking.

If the dinosaurs were using solar energy, couldn’t we be using it, too?

Ever since I got a solar-powered calculator for school many years ago, I’ve always wondered why we couldn’t use the same technology to power our cars or our houses or our world. Since then, I’ve realized some of that may be flights of fancy: after all, if you are working outside and some clouds come in, with a calculator all you would lose is the ability to do big-numbered math problems, but with a solar-powered car, when the solar power goes away you may be stuck out in the middle of Middle America, with no civilization within a thousand miles.

But the idea is still sound. I still don’t understand why people are getting government funding for these “biofuels” like ethanol when we could spend a few extra bucks today to make a fleet of electric cars, then another few bucks to cover every rooftop in any sunny city with solar panels so that we could have power to charge those electric cars. Heck, we could even just cover a bunch of the desert with solar panels. That exact idea was suggested on an episode of the West Wing a few years back. The only major problem was manufacturing enough solar panels. Bust out a good tax incentive and I’m sure we’d see plenty of innovation and rapid manufacturing.

The main point behind all of this business is that I don’t get why we’re freaking out about saving the world and conserving energy when we’ve got a sun that’s crazy hot and that doesn’t seem to be going away anytime soon, constantly providing enough energy to power the country, or the world. Let the government go a little bit deeper into debt today and we’ll be reaping the rewards in cashmoney savings for years.

Do we really want to be looked at as stupider than the dinosaurs or Transformers? Let’s take a cue from the solar-powered stegosaurus, start thinking large scheme and long term, and keep saving money while saving the world.

PS Happy Earth Day, everybody.

There is a street in Portland: Couch Street.

Now, to any reader, this may read as a furniture item that one sits on, usually found in the living room area of a home. This is not the pronunciation of this particular street, however. Couch Street is pronounced as one would pronounce the word, “cooch” as in the slang of an anatomical female body part or the first part of the baby talk, “COOCHie COOCHie coo.”

Now, this has no relation to my story, but I thought that since I was on the topic of couches, I might bring this little fact to your attention, dear Reader.

I recently got a new couch. Well, not a new couch, but a used couch… which I found on the side of the street right outside my apartment. I know the following of this couch: 1. It was not sitting out on the side of the street for more than 5 hours, 2. It’s previous owner was moving and was thus getting rid of it, 3. It is extremely heavy.

Since the true detailed history of this newest edition to my apartment is really unknown, it has sat for a long time in quarantine in my living room undergoing many tests to determine if it is something that I really and truly will keep for use. So far, it has passed the bug test, the smell test and the comfort test. And to my very great surprise, I have found that it has been reupholstered. The old upholstering of this couch can still be seen through small tears in the faux leather exterior which is comforting to me because this tells me that the previous owner of this couch was thoughtful enough in preservation to reupholster this piece.

This led me to think about why I am so tentative to sit on it. If I were at a friend of a friend of a friend’s house and I saw this couch and was invited to sit on it, I totally would. I would not scrub it down with soap and water and have another go at it with Clorox disinfectant wipes prior to planting my tushi, yet this is just what I have done with this couch. Why is this?

Now, I was looking into buying a cheap used couch from Goodwill, so why does finding a couch on the side of the street make me less tempted to sit on it? I don’t know, but until I find myself a nice thick couch cover, I am not sure if it will be seeing much of tushie action it deserves.

Which brings me back to Couch Street. Why would you name a street “Couch” and have it pronounced “cooch?”

Having a bad day? Feeling frustrated? Can’t wait for the weekend to arrive? Have I got a solution for you: take a moment, right now, and laugh at France.

Go ahead. Do it. It’s okay, I promise. Everyone else has already started.

Can’t do it? Well, let me help you out. We all remember good old Zinedine Zidane, the French footballer (a.k.a. soccer player) who headbutted an Italian player in the 2006 World Cup finals, got kicked out and consequently probably lost the game for France. In case you don’t remember, here’s a video. And here’s a game you can play. Even better, he almost got away with it, if not for those darned TV camera machines.

Laughing yet? No? How about this: after helping invent the word “disco,” the French are trying to bring into the mainstream a new dance called “Tecktonik.” There are even websites that will teach you how to dance like this, though I’m not sure if they help you look ridiculous enough to be taken seriously by the Tecktons.

You’re still not feeling silly? Not even a giggle? What if I were to tell you that the president of France’s new wife just had her nude picture sold at an auction. And it was a charity auction. And the money raised from it is being refused by the charity. I don’t know about you, but I always find it funny when anyone with an internet connection can look at embarrassing photos of powerful people. I find it really, really funny. (Seriously. Just ask my college roommate, who came home on more than one occasion to find a nude photo of the governator on his computer wallpaper.)

So enjoy your day. And if you know any French people, be sure to thank them for the chuckle.

Right after he asked me the question, a cold chill ran from my neck all the way down my spine. I felt scared and excited in a way I haven’t felt since I tried sashimi for the first time. Heck, I wasn’t even that scared or excited then either.

My friend looked at me expectantly, waiting for me to answer his question. Visions of Star Wars flashed across my inner vision, stormtroopers and giant robots and little furry Ewoks shooting at each other with blasters, getting hit with horizontal lines of red light and dying left and right. And then, after a moment, I thought, “That sounds like fun.”

So I answered him: “Yes, let’s go play laser tag.” And that’s when I realized my life in the present had abruptly turned into the world of the future.